Thanatopsis
by CKthePhantomess
Summary: Alone, a man paints by himself, wondering about what could have been. Pegasus angst, featuring 'Easier to Run' by Linkin Park and 'Hello' by Evanescence
1. Necrophilia

CK: Hello, ladies and gentlefolk, and welcome to the first fanfiction that I've written in a looooooong time.......to those of you who are fans of my three works-in-progress, I'd best warn you that I've lost all inspiration I once had for them, so I don't think I'll be coming back to them.

To everyone else, this story has three chapters, at least (I'm not positive where I want to end it), so stick around. All three (prepared) chapters are songfics, though the third one is different than the first two. And be prepared, because it's going to be sad.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, 'Easier to Run' by Linkin Park, or any of Lemony Snicket's books

Thanatopsis: Necrophilia

"For Beatrice-

My love for you shall live forever.

You, however, did not."

-A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Reptile Room, by Lemony Snicket

It was sunset on a quiet fall evening. This late into November, the trees had all dropped their leaves and stood ominously throughout the horizon, almost commanding the winter to come and replace the former leaves with snow. The abandoned leaves sat in small piles surrounding their trunks, dead and rotting, being eaten by worms. Their former color of green was a mere memory, being replaced with a continuous sickly brown.

The sun was slowly disappearing, taking its time to take away the warmth it had brought to the earth throughout the day. It took its time to hide behind the horizon, almost as if to say: "Ha! I brought you warmth for a little while, but I'm going to take it away, and I'll keep on doing this day after day after day!"  
Amid the signs of the end of the day and the end of fall was a castle, looking more in place with medieval times than with the new millennium. In one of its higher towers sat a man, with his easel and brushes, dabbing every now and then into a bit of color, then placing it onto a piece of canvas.

Pegasus J. Crawford stared out of the tall window to the scenery below, capturing that moment in time with every stroke his brush made. He really didn't care about the sunset or the trees or the rotting leaves, but he had missed the sensation of painting for so long. He hadn't done it very often in the last several years, and it relaxed him to know that he hadn't lost his touch in that space of time.

He would have liked to have painted more often.......he knew all too well that he had plenty of leisure time for it. But it made him uneasy to go back to his old hobby. There were too many memories he had that were just too painful.

He remembered her..........his muse. The girl with the blue eyes and golden hair who could always make him smile. The girl who seemed like an angelic being to him whenever he saw her or sensed her presence. She was his inspiration, his reason for being, his life....

Cyndia....

_It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all this pain here all alone_

Cyndia, the girl who was everything. She haunted his past and present, and would probably define everything he did in the future. She was like a phantasm to him: she always seemed to be within grasp, but then slipped away to leave him with a cold, harsh reality that he didn't want to face. She had loved him, and he had loved her, yet that wasn't enough, apparently, to save them both from terrible fates. She had to face death itself, while he had to face a lifetime of loneliness and grief.

He had always tried his best to keep her a secret. The staff had learned long ago that the best way to keep their jobs was to keep quiet and not ask too many questions. The paintings on the wall were just seen as the whims of that loony Pegasus, some harmless thing he had in his throes of madness. No one seemed to care, which was just what Pegasus had come to expect, and he encouraged that. No one needed to know his weakness. No one needed to know that he was human.

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me_

_A secret I've kept locked away_

_No one can ever see_

Cyndia was his dark past, the hidden memory that no one could know about. Pegasus, the epitomy of evil genius, couldn't allow his enemies to see him hurt. They couldn't see that he was human, just like them. He couldn't let them know the pain that he felt every day of his life. Pegasus had been raised to wear a mask, a mask that always smiled. Smiled in an often cruel and slightly sadistic manner, yes, but smiling nonetheless.

Who would have thought that a man like Pegasus could hurt so deeply? What would people think if they knew that the great Pegasus knew how to cry? What would they say if they knew that his near-alcoholic manner was just a way of drowning his sorrows in the form of wine? What would they do if they ever found out that he was a human being, just like everyone else?

His past defined him. Everything he did or said came from how he was raised to be a gentleman, or how he was taught to always be calm and show little emotion, but most of it came from his deep longing to feel like he was loved again, to feel like there was someone out there who cared. But the one person who cared for him unconditionally had left a gaping hole in his heart so that not only was he alone, but he could never forget what it was like to live a normal life, making his own seem much the worse.

_Wounds so deep they never show_

_They never go away_

_Like moving pictures in my head_

_For years and years they've played_

Pegasus was the son of a Las Vegas businessman and a debutante obsessive with appearance, giving him an odd message throughout his childhood: live the great life, enjoy yourself to the fullest, take high risks whenever it pleases you, but never, EVER let the neighbors know about it. Should anyone find out that you are less than absolutely perfect, you have failed in life. And always, always remember this: emotions are lethal. Never let anyone think that you are anything other than pleasantly happy, unless doing so would be inappropriate. That means no crying unless it's a funeral, no anxiety unless it's a crisis, and no depression EVER. Being depressed is absolutely rude, and always makes conversation awkward.

So, as you could see, Pegasus was in a bit of a rut. His upbringing demanded that he forget Cyndia after a period of mourning (approx. one month), and then get on with his life, meet another nice girl (from an upper-class, respectable family, of course), and have lots of little grandchildren for grandma to coo over (not that Pegasus could see either of his parents cooing over anything). Yet, even after several years, Pegasus couldn't forget Cyndia. And as much as the memories of her hurt him, he didn't want to forget. She was such a large part of him, of his past, even of his present and future.....

.....if only she hadn't DIED......

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame, I would_

_If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would_

Well, that's what it all came down to, wasn't it? If she hadn't died, if she hadn't died, if she just hadn't DIED. Everyone would have been much better off if she just hadn't died. And as hard as Pegasus tried, he couldn't reverse the fact that she was dead. He had come close.........but how was he to know that everything would fall apart? How could he have known?

It hurt to much to remember that failure........the fact that the one time it counted the most, Pegasus had failed. He had to block out the memories, or they would drive him mad......

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame, I would_

_I would take all my shame to the grave_

Pegasus's painting was coming along quite nicely. The basic forms for everything he saw out the window was coming into place. All he needed to do was add the details, and the painting would be complete. There was a large red blur towards the bottom of the painting, one that didn't belong to the scene that he saw, but that was alright.....he'd fix that once everything else was done.

Everything in Pegasus's life had gotten so depressing lately.......in the last few months, he'd lost to Yuugiboi, lost any favor he had with the Big Five (not that it mattered, since they all got fired anyway), Funny Bunny had jumped the shark, his Prozac prescription had run out three weeks before it was supposed to, and worst of all.........he had forgotten Cyndia's voice.

_It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all this pain here all alone_

It would probably seem silly to anyone else.......it had been years, of course Pegasus was going to forget a little bit of his memories of Cyndia. But Pegasus wasn't supposed to forget. He remembered everything else about her......the way she always played with her hair when she was nervous, that she always giggled or smiled when she tried to get away with a lie (harmless ones, of course), that she had a small scar on her left hand from when her cat bit her when she was ten......how could he forget her VOICE? How?!!?!

It saddened him greatly, but, try as he might, he couldn't conjure up her voice. He could remember the way her hair felt when he ran his fingers through it, he could remember the smell of her perfume, he could remember every detail of her face.......but when he thought Cyndia's voice, all he could draw up was a blank. How......how could he forget??? Cyndia.........

_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past_

_Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have_

_Sometimes I think of letting go_

_And never looking back_

_And never moving forward so there'd never be a past_

Whenever he thought about Cyndia, it felt like a strong hand was squeezing his heart. Pegasus could swear it felt like his heart would burst sometimes, but it never did, it just kept beating and beating, forcing Pegasus to continue with his daily routine, day after day after day...........it seemed very monotonous, looking at it from his perspective. What was their really to look forward to? He'd supposedly achieved the American Dream already: big company, big mansion, big riches. But what good had that done him? All it had gotten him was a torn out eye socket, and nothing to show for it.

Well, no matter what, there wasn't much he could do to change things for the better. Cyndia was like a ghost, one that never went away. Everything Pegasus did or said was haunted by her memory hanging there, smiling sadly into the darkness. There was also something else haunting him, a question that never went away: what if things were different? What if he could forget her, and maybe move on? Maybe he'd be able to meet someone, someone who was just as wonderful as Cyndia.........

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame, I would_

_If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would_

Of course, whenever he thought such things, he heard an inner voice screaming at him: "Idiot! You'll never be able to find someone as good as her!! No one can be better than Cyndia, and you must always remember that!! No one can be better than her, and you were lucky to have ever had her in the first place!!"

If only, if only.......Pegasus wanted to move one so badly, to just forget.....but he knew it wasn't possible. And he knew that he was the only person holding himself back. Letting go meant letting go of any hope that he would see Cyndia again, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to do that for very long. She was just too much of who he was.

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame, I would_

_I would take all my shame to the grave_

The painting was really coming together. Everything was complete, except for one small part: the red blob that had appeared. It was the only thing out of place in the painting, the only thing that had yet to appear in the view Pegasus saw from his window. Pegasus grinned slightly, adding detail to the blob to make to seem like it was just another part of the scenery.

Red, red, red, what was it about the color red that Pegasus liked so much? He wore a red suit, he drank red wine, his one remaining eye was red.......what was it about that color? Maybe it was its vibrancy, the fact that the color red stood out from all the others, demanding attention from everyone. Yes, that was probably it.......

_Just washing it aside_

_All of the helplessness inside_

_Pretending I don't feel misplaced_

_Is so much simpler than change_

Pegasus glanced at the window in front of him. It had been designed perfectly for painting its view, the way it stood from the floor until it almost hit the ceiling. Pegasus had always meant to paint by this window, but he had never gotten around to it before. Things were always getting in his way. He was always too busy......or too depressed.....to paint.

The sun was almost gone now, just a sliver was left to peek over the horizon playfully. Soon, the moon would keep watch over the world while the sun had its rest, at least until tomorrow, when it would come back again, just like the day before. Over and over again, the sun and the moon would follow the same routine, never changing.

_It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all this pain here all alone_

Finally, the painting was done. Pegasus looked down at the red part of the painting. It no longer looked like just a blob of color, lying in the middle of the scenery. Instead, it had taken form. It was a red suit, attached to a head with white hair, with white shoes on the other end.....and on the head, there was a red eye....

Vacant......

_It's easier to run_

The sun was gone now. It had disappeared. Pegasus stepped up, onto the window ledge, and surveyed the ground beneath him.

The scenery before him had always looked the same before, day after day. Now he was going to change it. He would add himself to the scenery.

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made_

He had wanted to make one last painting. He hadn't painted for so long. It would be a tribute.....the sunset in the painting would be a tribute to the end of the drudgery that was his life.

Not any more.

_It's easier to go_

Pegasus took one last breath of air, and felt the night breeze pass quietly. It felt cool and comforting.

He had been looking to reunite himself with Cyndia. He had found a way.....a way that was so simple, he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before.....

It was all over....it would finally, finally be over with......

His legs pushed off of the ledge.........

_If I could change, I would_

_Take back the pain, I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would_

_If I could_

_Stand up and take the blame, I would_

_I would take all my shame......._

Croquet and Kimo were playing poker in the drawing room of the castle. Kimo twisted his head to the left as he heard a sickening thud.

"Hey, did you hear that?"  
  
"No, what?"

"....eh, musta been nothing. I've got two pair, aces and fives."  
  
"I gotta full house, so I win. Now pay up."

_...to the grave_

"I wish this book could begin: Once upon a time, after a confusing if exciting childhood, I met a woman, fell in love, and lived happily ever after.

Once upon a time, after a confusing if exciting childhood, I met a woman, fell in love, and was never happy again."

-Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

CK: Okkei, that's it for now! Don't forget to read Chapter Two: Tourniquet, and Chapter Three: Transience. Ja ne!


	2. Tourniquet

CK: Yay! Chapter 2 is up! Responses time!

Minor Arcana: Thank you for your compliments! It's nice to get such positive reviews. Unfortunately, I haven't had much time on my hands lately, so I haven't had a chane to read any of your fics, but once I do, I'll make sure to check them out.

Myotismon13: Thank you! This means a lot, because I've read some of your works, so I know how good a writer you are (I loved Pegasus' Answering Machine).

Tola: I don't think you're the only one, and I happen to agree with you. Yuugi, Anzu, Jounouchi, and Ryou most definitely fit into this category (Honda's a static character who doesn't have too much depth or history, so I don't think that it applies to him).

CPegasus: Thank you for your kind comments! I hope you got my review of 'All For You', and thank you for promising to read the rest of the chapters. Arigato!

Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, 'Hello' by Evanescence, 'No One Mourns the Wicked', 'The Newcomes', 'The Pardon', 'Rock Springs', 'My Sweet Audrina, the works of Edgar Allen Poe, or Newsweek ((boy, that was long))

"No one mourns the Wicked

No one cries "They won't return!"

No one lays a lily on their grave...

And Goodness knows

The Wicked's lives are lonely

Goodness knows

The Wicked die alone

It just shows when you're Wicked

You're left only

On your own...

(spoken) Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them?"

-"No One Mourns the Wicked", from the musical "Wicked"

"The wicked are wicked, no doubt, and they go astray and they fall, and they come by their deserts; but who can tell the mischief which the very virtuous do?"

-'The Newcomes' by William Thackeray

Voices......

He heard voices.....

They were starting to get louder, and Pegasus began to make out what they were saying. Was he dead? Was this the afterlife?  
  
".........didn't find him for three hours....."

".........surprised he didn't die....."

".......been raining for hours...........wonder he didn't die from exposure....."

There was another sound, too.......a siren. He was in an ambulance. He had failed. He had failed, once again, to reunite himself with Cyndia.

How could he have always failed? How? Was it his destiny to lose, just like it was Yuugi's destiny to win? Did he have a curse upon him? Perhaps it was karma.......bad karma returning to haunt him for what he'd done in the past.

He could see now.......his vision was blurry. Croquet was in the ambulance, sitting nearby, in fact. He must've been the one to find Pegasus. And there was a nurse.........they were saying something again, but Pegasus could only make out little snippets......

".........probably in a coma........hit in the head very hard...."

Heehee. Despite himself, Pegasus wanted to giggle. A coma..............but he could still see and hear. It was just like that book he had read, the one with the little girl..........'My Sweet Audrina'. He had read it during those horrific months between when he found out Cyndia would die, and when she actually did. He had read many, many books just like that one, and they were all about the dead. How the dead never left you. How the dead would haunt you even once they were gone. Pegasus's favorites were by Edgar Allen Poe.......'the Raven' and 'Annabelle Lee'. Poe had lost his love true.......and great tragedy had inspired his greatest works.

(Playground school bell rings again)

Cyndia had always been a sweet little girl........the girl next door, the one with the never-ending smile. She was pure, innocent, the one whom darkness could not touch. Her parents were extremely strict and over-bearing, making sure that their children would always remain good. They always believed that they were successful, and all appearances pointed to that success. Cyndia and her sister, Estella, always drawn people to them with their innocent charm and beauty. All of the boys around them fell for either one or the other. Pegasus had been lucky. He had managed to make her fall in love with him as well.

Cyndia had always been sick........not dangerously, but sick nonetheless. A blood condition. She couldn't build up immunities as well as everyone else, so she became sick easier and the disease would always linger longer. But the doctors frequently assured Cyndia's family, over and over again, that it would never kill her, as long as she took care of herself.

(Rain clouds come to play again)

It happened when she was fifteen. She kept getting sick, over and over again, more so than usual. It got to the point where she was forced to leave school and a private tutor was brought in to teach, whenever Cyndia was well enough to learn. No one could understand it. Her parents blamed the doctors, saying that they had lied about her condition. The doctors denied it, which only made her parents angrier. Pegasus would visit Cyndia when she was ill, and he would watch as she tried to calm her parents. "It's no one's fault that I'm sick," she'd say. "That's just the way it is."

One night, though, it got worse. She had a fever that refused to get better, and her temperature climbed to 104 degrees. Her heart kept beating irregularly, and even though she was sweating profusely, she kept on shivering as though it were very cold. Her family rushed her to the hospital. The doctors put her into a stable condition, and her fever lessened. However, they decided to run some tests, to see what had happened to someone so young. What they found shocked everyone, but explained everything....

AIDS.

(Has no one told you she's not breathing?)

The next month or so was insanity. Cyndia's family was chaotic. How could this have happened to such an innocent little girl? Cyndia didn't give them any answers, and neither could Pegasus. But Pegasus knew whom everyone suspected. Cyndia's family believed that Pegasus had been unfaithful, and that it was his fault that she would die. Pegasus's own family blamed Cyndia, thinking that she had cheated on him. Pegasus and Cyndia both knew that they had been faithful, they had sworn it to each other so many times. But that still didn't give them an answer.

Everyone in their families were tested. There was always the possibility that either Pegasus's or Cyndia's parents had the disease, handing it down to their children. Everyone's tests came out negative. Cyndia was the only one infected with AIDS. Knowing this gave Pegasus's parents a sort of smug satisfaction, knowing that it wasn't –their- son that had given it to her. Cyndia swore to Pegasus, over and over again, that she hadn't cheated, she HADN'T, that she loved him and would never do something like that to him. Pegasus believed her. He trusted her, he loved her, he knew she would never lie to him.

But that illusion was shattered quickly. It was true that Cyndia had never cheated on him. But she had lied. She had lied to them all. They all found out when her dad came to wake her up one morning, and found her sitting on her bed, hypodermic needle in hand.

(Hello)

(I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to)

Enraged, her parents searched her entire room. They were shocked to discover just how deep into drug addiction Cyndia had sunk. Marijuana and cocaine were found scattered around her room, and more needles were found upon closer inspection. Glue and spray paint that the servants had sworn had gone missing were hidden in Cyndia's dresser drawers. A wallet belonging to Cyndia's dad was found, with large amounts of money within, presumably so that Cyndia could buy more of her drugs.

Her parents kept her in their home, never letting her leave unless one of them went with her or some other trusted adult. They swore everyone who knew to secrecy, because they didn't want a scandal. Cyndia had enough problems already without her face plastered onto the evening news. If they kept her inside, if they kept a close watch on her, then she would be alright. They would get her through this.

(Hello)

Pegasus didn't know what to do anymore. She'd lied. She'd lied to everyone close to her. For several weeks afterwards, he rarely ventured out of his room. Cyndia would call him every day, begging, pleading with him, swearing that she had never meant to hurt him, that she loved him and wanted to be with him forever. But he couldn't believe her anymore. It hurt just to think about Cyndia, how she had betrayed him.......knowing all the while that he loved her, and that she would die...........

After about two and a half weeks, he broke down and went to visit Cyndia. He had wanted to see her badly this entire time, despite how much it hurt to think of her. When he arrived at her house, he was greeted by Cyndia's dad. "If you want to visit her, she's in her room," he said, quietly. "She's been in there for almost two solid days. She won't even eat any more."

Pegasus went upstairs to Cyndia's room, and noticed that the door was open. When he peered inside, his stomach churned. He saw Cyndia, sitting on her bed, her face pale and her eyes bloodshot, giggling insanely. An odd, hazy smoke wafted out of the room, and Pegasus guessed quickly what had happened. He got out of the house as quickly as he could. Cyndia hadn't even seen him at the door. He couldn't face her now......he doubted that he could ever face her again....

(If I smile and don't believe)

(Soon I know I'll wake from this dream)

The night of his visit, Pegasus attempted suicide for the first time. He couldn't handle it any more, it was just too much. He twisted one of his bedsheets into a crude rope, forming a noose. He stood on a stool, placed the noose around his neck, and kicked the little stool away. But the sheets tore under his weight, and he crashed onto the ground. His parents heard the commotion and came to see what had happened. It didn't take long to see what he had tried to do.

Pegasus was sent to a hospital to receive therapy, where they tried to cure his depression. Pegasus didn't remember much of it well, just doctors talking and smiling, always asking him if he felt alright. Of course he wasn't alright. The girl he loved was going to die. The girl he loved was a drug addict. And the girl he loved had lied and betrayed everyone. And yet, throughout it all, he loved her. He loved her too much for him to bear.

(Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken)

He did remember one thing about therapy, though: the paintings. The doctors had tried to get him to express his unhappiness through his paintings. And he had, but it was nothing like the doctors expected. Pegasus painted horrible creations of monsters tearing people limb from limb, of corpses lying on the ground and bleeding, of horrified men and women screaming in terror. The doctors were confused at first, but Pegasus knew why he needed to paint these things. He needed someone to suffer, to go through the agony he himself was experiencing. Someone was to blame for this, it was someone's fault that Cyndia would die. Pegasus knew, deep down, that Cyndia had brought this all upon herself, but he didn't want to think that. Instead, he blamed an unknown someone. Some unknown person had placed the drugs in her hands, had forced her to inhale them, and had done it over and over again so that she couldn't stop. Pegasus, throughout the years that passed, had watched as the face of this unknown person changed. Sometimes he would see himself as this unknown, other times it would change to Cyndia's parents or sister; more recently, it had changed to the faces of the Kaibas and the Mutous. Pegasus had used it as a way of coping, even if it was completely illogical: it was much easier to ruin someone's life when you believed that they had ruined yours first.

Pegasus had always felt betrayed by Cyndia's actions, but in the end, he supposed that he was just as bad. He hadn't lied, no, but he had hurt people. He and Cyndia were even now, she had betrayed him with her substance abuse, and he had betrayed her by stealing souls for her return. No one was morally superior to the other any more. He wondered what she'd think of him now......

Pegasus also remembered something else about the therapy sessions: Cyndia's visits. After a week, she came to see him. When she arrived, he almost didn't recognize her. She had been losing weight very rapidly, and her skin had become taut around her bones. She was pale, and sickly, and there were gaunt rings forming under her eyes. But when she saw him, those eyes brightened, and it was as though nothing had ever happened between them. They held each other and cried, but they were just happy to see each other again. Nothing else mattered.

About a month later, Pegasus was recovering somewhat, mostly because he now saw Cyndia almost every day. She had been placed into a substance abuse program at the same hospital, and the doctors allowed them to visit each other for an hour or two at the end of the day. However, while Pegasus was growing steadily better, Cyndia was growing steadily worse. It was clear that her health was deteriorating from the AIDS quickly; add her blood condition and her withdrawal symptoms, and it was very clear that she would not live long. The doctors had already said that she wasn't expected to live out another year.

She was only sixteen........

(Hello)

(I'm the lie living for you so you can hide)

Pegasus constantly felt torn between his happiness when he saw her, and the fact that it was always tinged with sadness. Some of their best times together were during those visits at the hospital, but that was because they knew that they had to savor those days because there weren't many left. Pegasus's paintings became more and more vicious, and he began to paint more and more frequently his images of suffering and anguish.

During one of these visits, Pegasus turned to Cyndia and said: "I know that we don't have much time left together, and I know that this might come off as rash......but I love you. I love you more than anyone or anything. So I want to ask you something....

........will you marry me?"

Cyndia had held him tight and repeated, over and over again, yes, yes she would. And for the first time in a long while, the two of them laughed together. They had something to be happy about again. They would be husband and wife. It felt so good to happy.

When they told their parents, they were very supportive, and were also glad to have something to look forward to. Each family had been drained by recent events, and it was nice to look towards the future hopefully instead of with anxiety. The ceremony would be small, just the couple, their families, and the priest. Pegasus and Cyndia didn't want an outlandish wedding, nor did they have the time to plan one in any case. They made arrangements for the wedding to occur in a little over a month, which was approximately when Pegasus would be done with his therapy. Then, Pegasus and Cyndia would live out the rest of their time as man and wife.

Riding in the ambulance, Pegasus mentally smacked himself. He should have known, even back then, that nothing was supposed to work out for him. How could he have really been so hopeful?

(Don't cry)

About a week before the wedding, Pegasus was awakened in the middle of the night by one of the nurses on duty. When he asked what was wrong, all she could do was mumble that his family had summoned for him down in the emergency room. Pegasus ran as fast as he could, dread filling him with every step.

Outside of the emergency room was his family and Cyndia's. All of them were crying, and Cyndia's mom had collapsed into her husband's arms, sobbing. The only one who was dry-eyed was Cyndia's sister, Estella, who seemed to have gone into shock. She was leaning against the wall, staring wide-eyed into space, murmuring to herself over and over again. Pegasus ran up to her and begged to know what was going on. She didn't answer, she didn't even look at him. She just kept murmuring to herself, "Gone, gone, goodbye.......so it's true, she is gonna die, goodbye, gone away."

Finally, one of the doctors explained everything to him. Cyndia had seemed fine until about one hour ago, when she began coughing up blood, then passed out. The doctors checked to see what was wrong, and noticed that her heart was going into strange palpitations. They didn't understand what exactly was wrong, but they believed that it might have to do with her withdrawal from her drugs. It must have weakened her heart, and with the additional pressure from the AIDS and her blood condition, it was a fifty-fifty chance that she would live through the night.

No one slept that night. Everyone paced up and down, saying very little, just hoping silently that everything would be alright. At about 5:30 in the morning, the doctor delivered the tragic news that Cyndia would live maybe another hour. He let everyone in to say their goodbyes, and it was then that Pegasus finally began to cry.

(Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping)

One by one, they each sat next to Cyndia and held her hand, telling her how much they loved her and would miss her and that they forgave her for everything. The entire time, Pegasus stood there, staring at the dying girl on the bed in front of him. It wasn't Cyndia. It COULDN'T be Cyndia. Cyndia was a happy girl who loved to read and sing and would never do drugs or get AIDS or lie or leave them, ever, ever, ever. It was a joke, a horrible joke. The girl on the bed was lying to them, she wanted to make them think that Cyndia was going away. But she wasn't gone, she was at her house in her room, waiting for them all and wondering where they had gone. And they would all go back and see her and be relieved, and they would laugh and cry and everything would be alright again, and no one would have to lie to anyone anymore and she and Pegasus would be together forever and ever and ever.

This couldn't be happening.........he was dreaming, he was sleeping, he would wake up in his bed and everything would be the same......

When it was Pegasus's turn to say his goodbyes, he sat on the chair next to her and held her hand, like everyone else had. But for a full minute, instead of saying anything, he just sat there and wept, holding her hand and feeling how very, very cold it was. Finally, he said to her: "I love you........so please don't go......please, please, don't do this to any of us...........because you don't deserve this, you don't deserve any of this......"

For the next fifteen minutes, the two families stood next to each other, not knowing what to do. They talked, and shared memories of Cyndia, and every now and then someone would say, "You remember that, don't you Cyndia?" As though she could hear them. Maybe she could, Pegasus didn't know. All that he knew was that, as they talked, the heart monitor kept on beating, slowing down with every minute.

And when it finally stopped, there was silence throughout the room.

She was sixteen. He was seventeen.

She died surrounded by the people she cared about the most.

(Hello)

Pegasus was vaguely aware that he was no longer in the ambulance, that he was on a stretcher in the emergency room. There was a familiar sent of chloroform, too..........

Pegasus remembered this hospital.......this was the same one where Cyndia had died. Who knew, maybe this was the same emergency room. He couldn't tell, all of the rooms in the hospital looked the same to him......

There had been an article in Newsweek magazine about a year ago. It had a boldly written title: 'The 25 Most Successful People In America'. Pegasus was listed as #14, with a small blurb stating that 'he has lived the American dream, creating a business empire through the marketing of a children's game'.

Pegasus had wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Success? SUCCESS? The pit of despair known as his life was a SUCCESS? He would give it all away, if he could be happy again. He had money, yes, he had influence, yes, but what good was it to him? Here he was, in a hospital, and all he could do was hope that something would go wrong and he would die as he had planned.

(I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday)

For years afterwards, people wondered how Cyndia had been getting the drugs, when everyone knew that she rarely ventured far from her house, even before she was sick. Some people thought that it was Pegasus for a while, but it didn't last long, and it was just left as a mystery. Pegasus thought that he knew how, and there was evidence that he was correct. Estella had probably never had a drug problem, but she was always going out to parties or to nearby cities to shop. She always seemed to have nice things, things too outlandish for her parents to have bought her. People wondered where she got the money, and Pegasus had a pretty good guess.

Whoever said money was success lied. Pegasus had more money than he knew what to do with, and it had gotten him nowhere. Estella had gotten money like she wanted, and it had lost her a sister. They both were successful in terms of wealth, but it did nothing for them.

Pegasus lay there on the stretcher, his mind wandering. Her voice, her voice........he still couldn't remember her voice.......it was as though it was sitting there, waiting for him to remember it, but it was just out of his grasp.

Cyndia.....

He heard music now......softly, then louder...........why was their music in the hospital? Was he going to Heaven? Pegasus saw nothing had changed in front of his eyes, except......he hear a voice now, clearer than those of the doctors and the nurses......

"Pegasus........"

There it was.........he's though he'd forgotten, but there it was..

........Cyndia?

"I dreamt the past was never past redeeming:

But whether this was false or honest dreaming

I beg death's pardon now. And mourn the dead."

-The Pardon, by Richard Purdy Wilbur

"I thought that the difference between a successful life and an unsuccessful one....was how well you were able to put things like this out of your mind and not be bothered by them, and maybe, too, by how many troubles like this one you had to face in a lifetime. Through luck or design they had all faced fewer troubles, and by their own characters, they forgot them faster. And that's what I wanted for me. Fewer troubles, fewer memories of trouble."

-Rock Springs, by Richard Ford


	3. Transience

Okay, it's time for Chapter Three! Here are the responses:

CPegasus: Good catch on Estella's name! Yes, her name did come from the 'Great Expectations' character. Originally, I was going to do a fanfic about a year ago where Estella was Cyndia's sister who basically ruined Pegasus's life by telling everyone that he murdered Cyndia, so I thought it would be appropriate to name her after Dickens' cold-hearted character. Aaaanyways, I never did that fanfic, but her name still stuck. And no, I haven't seen Wicked...yet. I'm going to go see it later this month, and my friend (who's seen it and loved it) has told me it's very good. I got the song from a drama program I participated in over the summer. We had to sing the song, and I really liked it, and though it would be good for the story. But now I'm just babbling.

Myostismon13: Thank you for putting me in your C2 community, and for your kind comments! (I really love the name of your C2 ) I was checking it out the other day and was pleased to see I'm in the company of such good authors. Yayzees !

BTW, this IS the last chapter of the story. I may write another Pegasus fic soon after this one, and if I do, will you guys read it? Please? It would mean so much to me.

Okay, time for the fic!

Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, the song 'Memory', 'Thanatopsis' by William Cullen Bryant, "Passing By", "The Great Gatsby", or any of William Shakespeare's poems.

"There is a lady sweet and kind,

Was never face so pleased my mind,

I did but see her passing by,

And yet I love her till I die.

Her gesture, motions, and her smiles,

Her wit, her voice, my heart beguiles,

Beguiles my heart, I know not why,

And yet I love her till I die..."

-"Passing By", anonymous author

"I lived like a young rajah...trying to forget something very sad that happened to me long ago."

"...Then came the war, old sport. It was a great relief and I tried very hard to die."

-"The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Cyndia...............

Was that her? Had he.........had he heard Cyndia's voice? Was she trying to speak to him?

No.......no, he had to be mistaken. It had just been so long since he'd been able to remember her voice.....he must have thought it was actually her.

That was it.........he was just confused, that was all. He HAD just taken a blow to the head.

"Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement..."

......were the doctors playing music? He knew that they did when they performed surgery, but he didn't think that they played it in the emergency room. He didn't mind, though....the song sounded very nice......whoever sang it had a lovely voice.

"Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone"

......Pegasus had loved to paint, but it was Cyndia who had loved music. She had a beautiful soprano voice, and was always practicing one song or the other. She wanted to be a classical singer once she finished school, and had music books strewn around her room since she was very small.

Even to her last days, she had loved music. She would listen to the works of composers long dead, making sure to memorize every note in her heart. Chopin had been her favorite. But Mozart also had a special place in her heart. He had died young, too.

"In the lamplight,

The withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind

Begins to moan"

Even as her body deteriorated under the stress of disease, her voice had remained intact. She would still sing beautiful arias the same as always. Until the day she died, it remained one of her joys in life, just being able to sing. It was her way of escaping. When she sang, she wasn't dying in a hospital. Instead, she was some completely different person, singing about a different life where everything wasn't so bad.

"Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then"

The music that the doctors were playing was becoming clearer now. It really was very pretty. Cyndia would have appreciated it. He wasn't sure if he'd ever heard it before, but he liked the tune.

The doctors seemed to be panicking. Had something gone wrong? Or was Pegasus simply beyond all help? Either way, it didn't matter to Pegasus. He just wanted to die and get it over with. He was sick to death of this world, and he just wanted to get out of it as quickly as he could. He was just so sick and tired of it all........

"I remember

The time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory

Live again"

He remembered the one other time that he tried to kill himself, although the memory was somewhat blurry. He remembered feeling very, very numb. When he had fallen to the ground with the noose still around his neck, he remembered lying there, not moving. He vaguely remembered hearing his parents' footsteps, and a feminine sounding gasp. His mother had pulled him into her arms, sobbing, screaming. "Why, why, why did you do this???" Mr. Crawford seemed to go into shock as he stared past his son and his wife to the noose around Pegasus's neck, and the long, thin rod that it had hung from.

That night, Pegasus' parents both slept in Pegasus's room, right next to the door so that they would know if he tried to leave. Pegasus distinctly remembered waking up the next morning to see the rod, the one that had held the noose, had been removed in the middle of the night. Later that day, he saw its twisted, mangled form lying in the trash.

"Every street lamp seems to beat

A fatalistic warning"

Pegasus thought of the cruel, sick irony of it all. Back then, the minute he had tried to kill himself, people who truly cared about him had stopped him, and they had prevented him from trying to do it again. Now, no one cared. No one had even noticed he was gone for several hours. No one was going to miss him. And to be honest, he didn't care.

It was the middle of the night by now. All of the doctors and nurses must have been on the nightshift. Too bad that they had to deal with all of this in the middle of the night. They should just take him off life support, it's what he wanted anyway. It's not like he wasn't going to do the exact same thing again if he lived. It's not like he really wanted to live in the first place.

"Someone mutters

And a street lamp gutters

And soon, it will be morning"

Pegasus remembered visiting Cyndia's family the day before the funeral. Everyone's eyes were red from crying, and no one said much. Pegasus had tried to avoid everyone in the days after Cyndia died. He didn't want to face them, didn't want to talk to them, because of the mournful, comforting tone their voices always took. It always reminded him that she had died when all he desperately wanted to do was forget. But then his parents had taken him to see Cyndia's family, and it all came flooding back. And it hurt. It hurt more than anything else he had ever felt.

Pegasus had found his way to Cyndia's room. When he reached it, he held her pillow to his face and cried. He just wanted to absorb her scent, her essence, and then maybe it would be like she was still there. But it wasn't, it just wasn't the same. Nothing would ever be the same, would it?

"Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I mustn't give in"

Pegasus had cried into her pillow, kneeling on the floor, for several minutes. When he finally composed himself, he had looked through her room. It was almost like a memorial to her, in a sense. Cyndia's family hadn't touched anything in the room, so it looked just like it did before Cyndia went to the hospital to receive therapy. Pegasus half-believed that Cyndia's ghost was there, sitting on the edge of her bed, watching him. But he would always look around and see nothing.

On her desk were papers and books, sorted into somewhat organized piles. Pegasus smiled a little. Cyndia had always been a clutter-bug, never throwing anything away. Pegasus sifted through the papers, and came up with a tiny book with Cyndia's name embroidered on it.

"When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new life will begin"

When Pegasus peered into the book, it appeared to be Cyndia's diary. She hadn't had it very long, it seemed, only a few months. Unable to help himself, Pegasus read one of the entries, wondering what she had written about in the time before she had died.

"_The doctors finally got the test results back. They say I'm going to die. Mom and Dad are so worried, but I have to keep telling them that I'm alright, that I'm not scared. But I'm not a good liar. I'm scared to die. I don't want to die. I'm only sixteen. Mom and Dad don't know about the drugs yet. They think it's Pegasus's fault, but I can't tell them that they're wrong. I can't. I thought when I found out about the AIDS, that would make me stop needing them. All today, I tried to go without them. But here I am, writing this, and I'm snorting crack. I think I must be addicted now._

_Pegasus came by when he found out. He tried to make me feel better, but I know that he's scared. I'm going to miss him the most when I'm gone. I know that he knows what Mom and Dad are saying about him, but he pretends that it's no big deal. My heart hurts whenever I think about it. He's taking the blame for something that's my own fault. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared. I don't want everyone to hate me. I know they're going to be so upset if they find out....."_

"Burnt out ends

Of smoky days

The stale cold smell of morning"

Pegasus would have read more were it not for the loud commotion from where everyone else was gathered. When he arrived, he found a hysterical Estella sobbing while kneeling on the ground, holding her hands on her ears and screaming. Whenever anyone tried to approach her, she would strike at them with her arms, screaming louder than ever.

Cyndia's mother tried to comfort her, desperately trying to end Estella's tantrum. "Estella, listen to me! Cyndia is dead. There's nothing any of us can do about it."  
  
Estella, still sobbing, screamed, "No, she's not!!! You're lying, you're all lying, she's not dead, she's not!"  
  
"Estella....."

"SHE'S NOT DEAD!!!"

When her mother wrapped her arms around the hysterical girl, Estella struggled for only a few seconds, then gave up. She continued to sob, crying, "She's not dead, she's not, she's not...."

"The street lamp dies

Another night is over

Another day is dawning"

Pegasus could still remember Estella's wails, even now. In that moment, she had basically shown what they all had been feeling: denial. Even years later, no one wanted to mention Cyndia's name. Pegasus was sure that, if he returned to her house, her room would be the same way he had left it that one afternoon. Cyndia's ghost haunted them all.

As Pegasus lay there, the hospital room seemed to melt away, and the singing grew louder. As the hospital walls vanished, he saw a familiar form standing in front of him, singing softly...

Pegasus recognized her immediately, but was afraid that it was just a dream. _Cyndia? Is that you?_

Cyndia nodded, smiling. Everything had changed now. They were both teenagers again, still in love, and their world was still intact. Nothing had changed. Still, smiling, Cyndia continued to sing.

"Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with my memory

Of my days in the sun"

She held out her hand to him, and Pegasus took it into his own. He was seventeen again, and they were going to get married now. Cyndia was dressed in white, and he had the ring....

The two of them walked away, hand in hand, never looking back. They had never left each other....and they were going to stay together forever.

"If you touch me

You'll understand what happiness is

Look a new day has begun"

As the sun rose, one of the night-shift nurses swore that she heard laughter coming from one of the emergency rooms. But when she peered inside each one, no one laughed. Instead, she found the body of one Pegasus J. Crawford, dead at the age of 28.

The newspapers stated that Pegasus had died from hypothermia and blood loss, coming from a blow to the head, and from not being discovered for several hours as he was exposed to a drop in temperature during the night. At his funeral, few people showed up. But it didn't matter. He didn't care. He was happy where he was.

"No longer mourn for me when I am dead

Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell

Give warning to the world that I have fled

From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell"

-William Shakespeare's 'Sonnet 71'

"Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

Scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed

By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave

Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams."

-'Thanatopsis' by William Cullen Bryant


End file.
